


It's All Relative

by FanficAllergy, RoseFyre



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Extramarital Affairs, Gen, Genetics, Parody, Wolverine gets around, drunken cowrite, like a record baby, no really this is crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:13:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1675982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanficAllergy/pseuds/FanficAllergy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseFyre/pseuds/RoseFyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What do you mean we’re related?!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's All Relative

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The X-Men are property of Marvel and Twentieth Century Fox. This is a parody fanwork by fans for fans. No money was made in the creation of this parody.

It all went to hell when Quicksilver and Shadowcat decided to get married.

Since they were doing the Tay-Sachs test anyway, they decided to go for the full genetic panel to make sure there weren’t any other surprises waiting to pop up.

There were.

“What do you mean we’re related?!” Kitty practically screeched.

“According to the test, it looks as if you’re cousins of some sort. Not very closely related, but...definitely significant. Mightn’t you two have some relative in common?”

“Not that I know of. My mother’s family came from this little Russian village called Anatevka before they immigrated to the US, and my dad’s family are Transylvanian Jewish Holocaust survivors.”

Pietro shrugged. “Dad’s Magneto, Mom was a gypsy.”

“Obviously you have the Jewish connection, hence the Tay-Sachs testing, and you both are Eastern European, but that does not explain the genetic closeness. Mightn’t your families have run into each other during the Holocaust, perhaps in the camps...” Dr. McCoy shook his head. “No, that wouldn’t work. And you’re sure your families have had no more recent connection?”

“Pretty sure.”

“This bears investigation. I must research this further.”

* * *

Professor Xavier leaned back in his chair. “Very interesting. And have you found any other connections?”

“Actually, I did test myself before coming to see you, and it appears I am also related to both Pietro Maximoff and Kitty Pryde – and by extension Scarlet Witch and possibly Magneto and Polaris. I have not had time to test those samples yet.”

“Interesting.” Professor Xavier pulled out a large scroll and unrolled it across his desk, revealing an intricate family tree connecting multiple mutants. The Summers and Gray family trees were particularly convoluted. He drew a line from Hank McCoy to Pietro and Wanda Maximoff and to Kitty Pryde and wrote down “unknown relation.” He looked at the tree. “I do believe this requires further testing.”

* * *

Rogue turned to Bobby and Jubilee. “Do y’all have any idea why we’re standin’ here, outside of Beast’s lab? Ya think he’s workin’ on another cure?”

Bobby shook his head. “Not that I’ve heard of.”

“I thought we were getting flu shots,” Jubilee piped up.

“I got my flu shot last week. This ain’t no flu shot. ‘Sides, Wolverine’s standin’ back there. Ya think he’s needing a flu shot?”

As if saying his name was enough to summon him, Wolverine stalked by the three teenagers and stuck his head in the lab. “I don’t need no flu shot, Doc.” And then he left.

“Ya think we can get away with that?”

Bobby shook his head. “No.”

* * *

Professor Xavier stared at the results. His jaw was somewhere around his knees. “This cannot be correct.”

“I ran the tests three times. The results are clear.”

Xavier sat back heavily in his chair. “We are all related. Much more closely than would be logical.”

“Yes, it appears as if your foster sister Raven is in fact your half-sibling, as is Magneto.”

“I always did feel especially close to those two.”

Dr. McCoy pulled out some more results. “I did some further testing and I noted that the Y chromosome in a disproportionate number of our male mutants is identical. Also, interestingly, there is no significant relation in the mitochondrial DNA.”

“So you’re saying we’re all descended from a mutant Adam.”

“Yes.”

“Interesting. Fascinating. Extraordinary. This bears further research.”

* * *

“Why are we all in line again?” Bobby asked. “I thought we already got our flu shots. And why aren’t the girls here?”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Wolverine said as he cut in front of the entire line. “If I have to do this, I’m gettin’ it done quickly.”

The door opened. “Next, please.”

Wolverine stalked in, shooting the bird at Scott. “So what do you want now, Doc?”

“Would you, er, mind going into the private room over there and returning with a sample in this specimen cup?”

“You want me to pee in a cup? What is this, random drug testing?”

“Er, no. Not urine. Um, ejaculate, if you would.”

Wolverine stared at him. “You want me to do what?”

“Um, please provide a sample in this cup, it is quite necessary.”

“For what?”

“Professor Xavier has ordered this test for all male mutants.”

“Are ya plannin’ a sperm bank, Doc?”

“Not as yet, but the idea has merit. I shall broach it with the professor.”

“I never had problems getting laid the natural way.”

“I shall note that on your chart. Now if you please, there is reading material and a VCR set up for your viewing pleasure in the private room.”

Wolverine grabbed the cup and stalked off.

* * *

“It is most intriguing. I honestly have never seen anything quite like this. I daresay the scientific community would be agog. I am agog!”

Professor Xavier rubbed his eyes and looked at the list of results again. He took out his scroll and began adding to it, drawing lines from every known mutant up to one spot. There he drew a large rectangular box and wrote a single word.

Wolverine.

Professor Xavier put the pen down and sat back in his chair. “We must investigate this further.”

* * *

Wolverine entered Professor Xavier’s office to find the professor and Dr. McCoy waiting there expectantly. “Is this about the sperm bank idea? Because that was Doc’s idea, not mine.”

“I don’t believe that would be necessary for you, Logan,” Professor Xavier said. “Is there anything that you wish to, perhaps...get off your chest?”

Wolverine looked at them both like they were crazy. “Not really.”

“Then would you mind explaining how you are my father, Quicksilver’s grandfather, Kitty Pryde’s great-great-grandfather, Rogue’s grandfather, and Beast’s great-grandfather? As well as the ancestor of every mutant in this school and every other mutant we have genetic samples for.”

“What. The. Fuck.”

“As you see right here,” Dr. McCoy said, pulling out four giant manila envelopes of test results and revealing DNA tests, “the Y chromosome in these subjects is identical and it matches yours-”

“Hey, that doesn’t mean I’m the father. Can’t I just be related to everyone too?”

“No, no, the degree of relation to Professor Xavier here is only found in parent-child relationships.”

“So what you’re saying is that Professor X is my dad, right?”

Dr. McCoy shook his head. “Regrettably, it is impossible for Professor Xavier to, um, father children.”

“Logan, if you recall correctly, in 1962, Erik and I tried to recruit you for our new group of mutants, and I believe the words you so eloquently said were ‘go fuck yourself.’”

“Right. So. Not my dad.”

“Indeed.”

“Brother?”

“Unfortunately, you do not share any of the same maternal DNA.”

“Half-brother?”

“The relationship is too close for that.”

Wolverine’s brow furrowed. “You mean I’m related to the prick?”

“You appear to be Scott’s great-grandfather.”

“And Jean? Her too?”

“Also great-grandfather. It appears you were quite sexually active around the time of the First World War.”-

“Fuck.”

“I believe that is how this all started, yes.”

* * *

“Are you sure this is gonna work?”

“It seems to be the best solution to solve the missing memories problem we appear to be facing at this juncture. Now, I promise to try to maintain your privacy to the best of my ability. I will only search for the memories buried in your psyche which relate to my mother.”

“This ain’t gonna hurt, is it?”

“The blocks may be quite entrenched. There may be some discomfort with what I propose. I have full faith that you have the strength to endure it.”

Wolverine sighed. “Fuck it. Do what you have to do.”

Professor Xavier laid his hands on either side of Wolverine’s head and concentrated.

Thirty minutes later, Wolverine sat up with a shout. “Get the hell outta my head!”

“Well, that was unexpected,” Professor Xavier said, sitting back.

“Please elucidate,” Dr. McCoy said.

“There is only one memory of my mother, but it is from three years prior to my birth. It also seems as if, at the same time that Logan here had, er, relations with my mother, he also...well, um, had an intimate encounter with both of Magneto’s parents. It was the 1932 Winter Olympics, you see, and it appears that Logan was on the Canadian gold medal hockey team, while Mr. Lensherr was on the German bronze medal hockey team. While celebrating their respective wins, Wolverine and the Lensherrs met my mother and all decided to retire to her lakehouse for further...interaction. Approximately nine months, give or take, after the encounter, Erik was born, while I myself was not born for another two years after Erik. I am quite curious as to how this might be possible.”

“I believe this calls for additional testing.” Dr. McCoy handed yet another specimen cup to Wolverine.

“Fucking hell.”

* * *

Two weeks later, Dr. McCoy sat back and crossed his arms, looking at his microscope. “Fascinating,” he said.

“What? What’s so fascinating about my spunk?”

“Well, it appears that approximately half of your sperm has inherited your, um, longevity.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“In the average human, sperm tends to survive for approximately 48 hours after ejaculation. In extreme cases it can survive for up to a week, but with exponential rates of degradation. Yours is still going quite strong, if I may say, after a period of two weeks. It will be interesting to discover just how resilient they are.”

* * *

A month later, Wolverine found himself in Xavier’s office yet again. “What have you got this time, Doc?”

“I have performed more tests – by the way, thank you for the additional samples, they have proven most elucidating.”

“Don’t mention it. Please. Don’t mention it.”

“As I suspected, your sperm that carries the X gene is most resistant to all known forms of spermicide. Additionally, the gametes are unusually motile. While condoms do still offer the same degree of protection as they would for any other male, um, it appears as if all other forms of birth control are unreliable at best. This includes the pill, considering your gametes’ apparent longevity.”

“So you’re telling me I got super sperm.”

“It would appear so, yes.”

“Well aren’t you just a bucket of joyful news.”

“Now, now, Father, no need to be so sarcastic.”

“I am not your father,” Wolverine growled.

“The DNA results would seem to indicate otherwise, Great-Grandpapa.”

“I’m getting a vasectomy.”

“I do believe that with your healing factor that would not be effective,” Dr. McCoy said.

Wolverine just growled and stood up. “I need a drink.” He left.

“Well, that went well,” Professor Xavier said.

* * *

Despite some unforeseen setbacks, the actual wedding of Kitty Pryde and Pietro Maximoff went off without a hitch. It was decided that the degree of consanguinity was not enough to prohibit the marriage from occurring.

There was one minor hiccup.

No one could figure out which side of the synagogue Wolverine should sit on.

It was eventually decided that he would just stand in the center aisle and glare at everyone equally.

**Author's Note:**

> AN:
> 
> Written: In about two hours on 5/22/14  
> Revised: 5/22/14 (this is what happens when you have two people in the room together writing.
> 
> So... That happened. 
> 
> This crackfic was born while discussing the New X-men movie, Days of Future Past and realizing that there seems to be four real generations of mutants. The only odd mutant out in the movie-verse appears to be Wolverine. Even Victor Creed, aka SabreTooth, is younger if you go by the comic book canon. So our ice cream addled minds took it from there while we rewatched the first X-men movie. This is mostly based on the movie-verse with random comic book canon thrown in for kicks. 
> 
> We hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> Please don't kill us.


End file.
